I hate to wish away what could be our last pregnancy, but I am soooo ready to meet my baby. Will I miss the random kicks, trips to the bathroom, tums all day, and 7 pillows at night? Probably not so much! I want to hold my babe; kiss his sweet hands and feet and rejoice in the Lord for sending him to us at hard time....I pray that he strenghtens us as a family and unifies us. I have always wanted three or four children...and now that adam and ben are much older, I am craving this baby so much...I think Ryan is thankful that this time was NOT our little girl because we couldn't have bought all the so cute clothes that I long to look at! This baby has put our minds much more censored around the necessities and just the LOVE that a newborn needs...its mother, father, and just touch. I can't describe in words the excitement that I feel when I can't sleep at night because this baby is kicking with LIFE inside of me; and I can't wait to just meet him. I am excited to feel the fall air, lace up my running shoes, and feel the oxygen flow through my lungs again...this baby has made me look at life differently and all the mistakes I have made. I want more for my family... a two income house where we don't have to miss out on everything...a yard to mow with daddy, and maybe a deck to eat on in the summer with a little yard? Yes, I miss those things. I can't wait to be self sufficient again, not relying on my dad for not only money, which is 'just money', but support, advice, being my cheerleader, doctor, ect. I know its exhausting for him. I know he wants to lay his head down one night and just thank Jesus that I 'made it' and won't ever do anything dumb again.I want him to understand I'm building a relationship with my God that I never have had, and that THAT is what I am trying to lean on instead of him all the time. I need God to help me raise these three little boys into MEN, because I have a long testimony of 'men' that are far from that. Do I want my boys to become drug dealers and liars? Do I want them to lose their virginity at age 12 ande feel proud of that as another video's it from a closet? I want these boys to be sheltered and to really KNOW right from wrong. The men I have met the past years really never were taught that concept; and things like that were just 'cool' to them. I think raising men is going to be a fun but daunting job. I hope I can tell them my story one day and it will help them to understand why God sets limits for us and why we follow them. It took me years to understand that. I'm not sure why.
Money has been so hard for us lately. We live on 'bare bones' yet we don't. I cheat and buy things I shouldn't and lately it has been things that I 'have to have' for our newborn. Yes, he needs certain items..but I will obsess down to the pacifier that will go into his mouth...will he even want or need that piece of plastic? Will he love the swing we spent 100$ on, or will he not be a swing baby and prefer to be rocked?! To my own credit, I did NOT buy many items that I did for Ben. He had every baby gadgit that seemed to exist. Its still hard because I'm buying that stuff for ME and I know that...he will be just as safe in his 78$ carseat than the 190$ one that is much nicer looking.He will be happier laying in my arms anyway, which is where a baby should be! I never even use the car. I am 34 weeks. In three more I will be considered 'full term'. Will his angels send him sooner rather than later? If so, we are ready for you babe. This just might be the most blessed time in my life..watching three boys grow together, while the love and stability around them continues to flourish. I love you, Ryan.
